Irony is not my friend today
2003-09-29 - 6:27 p.m.

Something I’ve been waiting for forever happened to me today and because of current circumstances it can’t be enjoyed at the maximum degree. Times like these cause the age old question of doubt to flee from my lips :”Why, God?”

I could sit and think for days; studying only this one simple matter and still not be able to wrap my mind around it. It could be perceived as a cruel trick. A test of faith. Another gust of wind to blow me off course. Being human, as I am indeed, I only look at the here and now. Today, tomorrow, a few months from now, maybe a couple of years. I look at it and conclude that if something doesn’t change soon, life is going to suck (period) and God doesn’t know what He’s doing.

But the deeper side of me knows I can’t do that; I won’t let myself dismiss the promise of miracles and a straight path. I don’t know why recent events have occurred and why now and the way they have… and I’ve decided that it’s really okay that I don’t. I realized that I seem to think “having faith” is the only answer to a lot of unexplained questions; that is, until I face another question.

I could name several instances where things have happened that at the time I considered unfair or terrible. Then after time and reflection on those times, I’m aware that these things could have been so much worse if a previous sickness or event had not have happened.

Like last May when I went into respiratory failure. I was at the hospital in Atlanta getting my monthly treatment and then pancreatitus that I developed during the stay. When I got the pancreatitus I asked the “Why, God?” question and also the “What else, God?” one too. A few days later I was intibated and rushed down to the ICU. Later it was clear to me. “Oh, that’s why. I see now”, said I to God. If I had been able to go home on time, if I hadn’t gotten pancreatitus, I would have been at home. Or maybe on the interstate to or from Atlanta. Either way, the outcome would have been a lot worse than what it turned out to be.

I don’t understand a lot of things, but I know God has a bigger plan in all of this and if He can allow me to be in my current physical state and not be depressed or bitter or suicidal, then He’s planning on taking care of me if I only surrender. And if he’s planning on taking care of me then He is using this new development to bless me not confuse or discourage me.

Here it is, God. It’s yours.