my ships were sailing
2003-10-09 - 7:37 p.m.

Bennie came out today for her last time. Evidently, insurance only agreed to pay for four physical therapy visits and they were mainly just using them to help us get any more equipment we needed and to give us more creative ideas, shall I say, for exercises. And that’s sad to me because I like seeing Bennie, today’s visit caused me mass amounts of stress but it wasn’t really because of her specifically. She was telling me certain things I need to work on before I can start using the standing wheelchair right away, such as weight baring and stretching certain muscles that haven’t really been used in a while. And I knew this because the man from the Summit Group told me yesterday I needed to or a few things could happen: The good scenario would consist of all the blood rushing to my feet and passing out. Other possibilities would include such things as broken bones. So since I haven’t stood up in at least two years, I knew I had some work to do before I got the chair but I just got overwhelmed today; its just so much and I’m so little.

And please don’t anyone ask me “Well, isn’t it worth it??” because I might have a rather crude answer for you. Of course its worth it and of course I’m going to persevere, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s so much for me to deal with and I just might complain about it from time to time – and I’m going to allow myself to do so – but like I said, just from time to time.

A lady came out to my house to pray for me tonight, for healing. Her name was Donna and she looked spookily just like my neighbor. I’ve been prayed for to be healed before, and I don’t necessarily believe that those times “didn’t work”, just that it wasn’t the right time or place or that I wasn’t who I needed to be yet. This lady knew things about me I didn’t tell her and not big secretive things, but it still caught my attention that she didn’t really have an obvious way of knowing those things. Some people relate miracles purely to “bible times”, but I believe God is still a God of miracles and that he has promised me one. Sometimes healing doesn’t happen instantaneously simply because if it did it might cause more pain to the human body than it could stand. And I’m not claiming I have this all figured out, but seeing as that my condition is dealing with nerves and muscles which have tightened and such, it would be really painful if I could just get up and walk.

Life is never simple and sometimes I crave nothing but simplicity, but I have to think that if I were engulfed in so much simplicity, I would be utterly bored with myself. I am very (very, very, very, very) rarely bored.