lots of thought
2003-11-01 - 5:21 p.m.

Diaryland banners that make Bert and Ernie perverse need to go far away. Thats just wrong.

Yeah, I'm fickle so what. Atleast I'm not afraid of change. I'm not finished yet but I'm having a hard time finding a picture I like so this is what I have right now. That is all.

Packages to Kristy and Bennly are being sent out on Monday. Bennly comes home for Christmas soon, yay!

I came to the realization (again) lastnight that things are okay - good even. I have it in my head that I'm getting healed and its not even a question. Some say thats strong faith but I'm not sure if it is or if its just me trying to ignore the situation entirely. And I do that, I just don't think about it and think its just going to go away some day, and some day soon. I don't let the thought even sit in my mind that I may not ever walk again, I say those are evil thoughts and shouldn't dwell.

I don't know if thats such a great thing though. I'm not saying I don't have faith anymore and don't believe it can actually happen, so screw God. Quite the opposite actually. I need to let myself think about the fact that I could not get any better than I am today because I don't want to go into denial again - its not a pretty place.

We all wonder "Why would a loving God make people suffer?", and thats a good question with no answer. I don't know why life isn't easy or bad things happen to good people or innocent children get killed day to day, but I do know that when you feel God calling you and you answer "Yes, Lord, I'll go where you want me to", he takes it seriously and you will definitely go somewhere. Then you get there and you ask "Why God, why me?" and he'll say "Because you said yes". Its pretty simple but yet we never seem to understand it when its happening to us.

So I cry about relationships and missing out on college and everyday life for an everday 20 year old girl which Im not experiencing, but then I realize that it really is okay. Hey, I may not ever get married or ever again run barefoot in the grass, but I might as well use the situation I'm in to reach others because thats what its about anyway. This isnt easy or fun or pleasant and everday I have to face what I'm missing again and again, and again and again I will remind myself "its okay, and remember, you were the one that said yes".

Whew.