ercomedi
2003-11-14 - 3:05 p.m.

Today I’ve felt so frustrated with myself, with the things I can’t do. Its something I feel deep down and it just sits on my mind. Its fat and conceited and it weighs me down. This morning I was washing my face and the muscles in my arms were being weak and my hand couldn’t reach my face. I threw down the washcloth and buried my head in Tanya’s stomach who happened to be right there. I had to yell. “Its just so frustrating sometimes.” And it was funny, the next thing out of Tanya’s mouth had nothing to do with me but somehow it just comforted me. “I finally figured out something. The guy on Star Trek with the visor over his eyes is the guy on Reading Rainbow, so they probably made him wear that so not a lot of people would know that its him. Do you think?”
I tried reaching my face again and my elbow slipped. I quickly closed my eyes and breathed a deep breath. When I opened them I imagined Tanya would be sitting there looking at me wondering what I was thinking, but instead she was trailing her finger through a puddle of water along the rim of the basin of water in front of me. She knew what I was thinking and it hurts and frustrates her the same it does me.

How can you not love someone like that?

I wish the trees still had their leaves so they could blow back and forth for a few more weeks. Carpeting sidewalks and back roads with their beloved reds and yellows and greens. My favorite piece of road looks so alive in the fall. Every curve feels me with anticipation even if I’ve traveled that way thousands of times. It’s a perfect day to me when the sky has no clouds and I have no fears and there is no limit to my traveling. It’s a place you want to make memories at.