not an easy topic
2003-12-30 - 11:32 p.m.

Its funny how a song can bring back a memory so vividly you can taste it. Coldplay is telling me to “don’t panic” and I see myself sitting in a hospital bed in Atlanta; laptop in use, trying to block out the noises outside my dimly lit room. Three meals a day that all strangely taste the same, that terrible cold french-fry smell, the shapes on the wall. White coats and stethoscopes, death, tears, healing. Headphones, eyes closed, covered from head to toe in stiff white sheets.

The first time I noticed it was getting harder to breathe was in January at night, two years ago, on the living room floor. I could still walk then and I was doing my “superman” exercises (laying on your stomach, arms in front of you not touching the floor). It was hard for me to take a deep breath laying on my stomach like that, but I wasn’t sure if it was anything to be worried about so I didn’t tell my parents. It kept getting worse a little at a time until I couldn’t lay on my stomach at all so I finally told them. We didn’t know what to do at first but it kept getting harder and harder, so before I knew it I was seeing a pulminologist here in town. He didn’t help me much because he knew I already had doctors in Atlanta that I saw regularly for my condition, so I guess I scared him. I got really weak really quickly and soon my body was working so hard to breathe that it couldn’t do much of anything else. I fell asleep all of the time – in class, in the shower, while eating, mid conversation even. I hardly ate at all, mostly just cut up pieces of fruit. I couldn’t swallow. I weighed 76 pounds when my parents took me to the emergency room at the hospital in Atlanta. I had to get a feeding tube put down my nose so I would get some sort of nutrition. The first time the nurse tried it came straight out my mouth – not pleasant. I stayed for two weeks and during that time they gave me a g-tube (small, button type of stomach tube) so I could continue getting nourishment when I went home. I look back on that now and laugh at myself for thinking it was such a big deal. I was afraid people would see a big bulge under my shirt and wonder why I had a huge growth beside my belly button. Amy the fool. As time went on and I got more comfortable with this strange device in my stomach, I decided to name it – Gerald the g-tube seemed appropriate. Come to find out, I began to really appreciate ol’ Gerald, like when I had gross medicines to take or I was too busy to eat; just shoot it through the g-tube. I think I’ll stop now before I get too deep into detail about what followed that period in my life. Its just a time that often gets overshadowed and I just forget about all those things because of the harder times to follow.

Its just funny how music brings back so many memories.