a ways to go
2004-02-24 - 10:13 p.m.

I hated everything today
mostly the things I can't change
but not even the hard things.
The weights on my legs
the curl in my hair
the distance from here to there
and how the weakness in my arm doesn't get it to there as quickly.
How I just want to close my eyes and become different
new and clean and strong
not forgetting but not remembering.
Before I wanted to be different
little did I know so did everyone else
and trying hard as we could
with broken elbows and scratched up knees
no one noticed when I couldn't keep up.
I didn't sit down for lunch
I spent my time figuring out how to get back up
without giving someone the chance to use the word that makes me feel so small.
I had to hold onto my fears
my tears
my wanting to speak out with such a low voice.
I held on because its all I could control with my life
I fell and hit my head three times during highschool
I saw the blood on the tile and knew things had changed.
Paranoid I became,
noticing candy wrappers and small pieces of paper on the floor
so small but one misplaced move and down I would fall
so fast but I swear it was slow motion.
No one noticed I was breaking inside
disguised by humor and art
layered in blankets of bitterness;
my broken toes and stitches in my scalp
were simply war wounds.
People put up walls
I had barbed wire
and an air tight security system.